Last night, as I was about to log off the computer, the Windows Update logo pinged on the XP status bar to inform me that there was an urgent update to be downloaded. My heart sank because a) it was close to 3.00am and I wanted to get to bed and secondly I knew what the update was. Sure enough, when I checked, it was Windows Service Pack 3, the Romper Stomper Patch from Redmond.

Lifehacker did a nice summary of the technical advantages of SP3 (which I can barely get my head around). But on the surface, you’ll notice no changes whatsoever really. I don’t understand why people are having multiple orgasms over it, I really don’t. Especially when this morning, when I switched the computer on, Windows tried to revert all my settings back to Windows again. “We notice you’re using Winamp instead of Windows Media Player! Would you like to change back?!”

NO I F**KING DON’T!!!!!

Technorati Tags Microsoft, service pack 3, Windows

Posted in Microsoft, Patches, Security, Windows No Comments »

When we re-installed the XP disk yesterday, the age of the disk quickly became apparent when I had to then install 102 patches from the Windows Update site.    What was really irritating was that the patches came in batches of 15-20 each and each batch required a re-boot of the computer before the next lot could come through.   So I would be sitting there patching and re-booting and wondering when it would ever end.

Which led to a joke which I started with Monika’s brother.   I was sitting there dreaming into space waiting for the next lot of patches to finish when I suddenly said to him “God, imagine if the Borg in Star Trek had to run on Windows XP - how would they get anything done if they had to stop for patches all the time?!”.

So……

Captain’s Log.   We are entering the region of space known to be populated by the Borg.   All of the crew are on full alert for any problems.

WORF :  Entering Borg space now captain.    Photon torpedoes armed and ready.

PICARD : Thank you Mr Worf.   Data, are you picking up anything on long range sensors?

DATA :  This is highly unusual captain.   We are picking up signs of a Borg ship…..but it is just floating there in space.   It appears to be in something called “re-boot mode”.

RIKER : “re-boot mode”?   What the hell is that?

DATA :  accessing data logs.   It seems to be a rather archaic procedure initiated by the Microsoft Federation.    It seems the Borg made the fatal mistake of reconfiguring their systems and this has led to an endless loop of something called “Important Patches” and then “re-booting”.  During this time, the Borg are rendered completely defenseless because they are trying to phone the Microsoft helpline.   It appears the automated menus are confusing them.

PICARD :  This seems to be a good opportunity to crush them.    Mr Worf…..prepare to…..

DATA  : Captain, wait.   The downloads and re-boots seem to have stopped……but…..

PICARD :  but Mr Data?

DATA :  Sorry Captain.   I was just analysing the data.    It seems they have now accidently accessed a program called “Spider Solitaire” and they are now stuck on that.    Once they have finished the game, they can’t stop starting another one.

RIKER :  Spider Solitaire?   What in God’s name is that?   Sounds really evil.

PICARD :  Yes, I have heard of this phenomenon.    It appears to suck your life energy by making you play over and over again in the misguided perception that winning a game is more important than feeding yourself or washing yourself.   I have seen humans stuck for days in the “solitaire trap”

RIKER :  I hate to say this captain….but if this spider solitaire makes it over to the Enterprise…..we’re screwed!

Technorati Tags borg, humor, Humour, Microsoft, Patches, star trek, Windows, XP

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Just a quick heads up for those of you who use Office 2003 and who haven’t checked for Microsoft security patches recently.    Mr Gates is now providing Service Pack 3 for Microsoft Office 2003 which is a huge security patch.    You can download it from the Microsoft Update page.

As usual, you have to re-start your computer afterwards so make sure you’re not doing anything really important at the time that can’t be saved first!

Technorati Tags 2003, Microsoft, microsoft office, patch, service pack 3, update

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